6 Reasons Why Inside is the Best Side

1. Your bed is inside! You can cuddle and sleep all day if you wanted to.

2. Social interaction is required when you leave the house, that includes kindness, consideration, and a whole lot of crap that you don't care for!

3. You can play games, write books, draw, read, watch videos..

4. This rule only applies to people with pets, sorry.

5. You don't have to be 100% hygienic. Who cares? You're at home!

6. This is the most important and correlates with number 3..You have internet inside, and you can browse to your heart's content without being judged by others about what you're looking at (I don't know, you guys could be weirdos) or how long you've been looking at it!

As you can see, there's lots of love inside, but there's only hate and evil and judgmental jerks outside.

The Diploma

It is a (semi) known fact that I graduated from high school a year early. I took an early grad option in the summer because I didn't think two credits were worth an eight hour school day. Although I technically finished my classes and (again, technically) graduated back in early September, the school just had a graduation ceremony. I didn't take part, my excuse is; if I didn't have time for an eight hour school day, I don't have time for a two hour ceremony (my logic is the logic, use it.)

My family called and congratulated me and my dad is practically bursting with pride.

My reaction was a little understated compared to the roller coaster that is my 'usual emotional reaction'.

On a better note, when my aunt gave me my Christmas presents, my reaction was a bit more like this..

I think there was some mix up in my amygdala, but whatever. 

Hello Kitty is rad. 

xx

One of Those Days

You know, THOSE days.

However, my spiral is a bit different form the regular "bad day". I don't get angry about everything that happens, I get sad. That sadness turns into anger, which turns into self hatred for being angry, which turns into more sadness. Again, a vicious circle. Obviously this is a common cycle for me.

 It starts poorly, you wake up late, you stub your toe on your way to the bathroom, etc. 

You get irritated (totally normal to get a bit annoyed.)

 I get discouraged because the birds are happy, and I'm not (it doesn't even make sense, really.)

You go to have breakfast and you're missing an important piece; milk for cereal, butter for toast.. (you get the jist.)

You get more irritated not only because of an inconvenience, but your growing hunger.
I get sad and decide I don't deserve to eat because the milk would have been there otherwise. (LOGIC)

You didn't get that package yet, you left your car keys in the house, you can't find your wallet, all equally agitating. 

You get more aggravated because it seems like nothing is going your way.

I get even more sad because my expectations were obviously"too high". (I don't get it, Alyssa, pull yourself together.) 

But then, realization strikes and I get mad, those darn birds were not my fault, having no milk was not my fault, the package's late arrival is NOT MY FAULT. I get angry. You get angry, too.

We hate everything, we hate everyone, anything can set us off. But, heres the difference.

You will spend all day being angry, or have an explosion. Then you'll feel a little better.

                                                    

I reprimand myself.

I make myself feel guilty. Then, I hurl insults at myself until I'm a big ball of sad, self hating mush. Then I hate myself more for feeling this way. (my logic is the greatest of all logic.)

It can only get worse. While you feel a little better after releasing your anger, I repress mine until it becomes a rabid animal inside of me, destroying everything good in my soul. dramatization, but not really. 

And that is how I end up. Forcing myself to suffer, although I did nothing wrong. Nothing. 

I'm the worst.

xx

Procrastination

I know at some point everyone has a problem with procrastination. I just seem to have severe problems with procrastination. Things I have to get done slowly build up to a point where they're overwhelming and I hit a wall.

Even if I try my best to get stuff done, and actually set aside time to do that stuff, I always make the wrong choices when the time comes. Or I'm "too sad" (or some other lame excuse.)

This severe procrastination can go on as long as the project exists, only for me to burn myself out trying to finish it last minute.

I often find myself baking cookies at 1am rather than working on that admissions essay or cleaning my room or (insert thing you need to be doing, but instead you're reading this.)

I'm a smart girl, I know how to do things the right way and on time, but I just don't. I make poor decisions, and I always promise to make the right decisions "next time". You probably know this already, but "next time" never comes. That's procrastinating procrastination! It's a black hole.

Then, as if a timer goes off in my head, I realize everything needs to be done. Now. 

At the same time I realize, that there is a lot of be done. Now. I get overwhelmed, I basically paralyze myself in fear and shame, knowing I should have started earlier, slowly getting angrier and angrier, which we all know leads to the complete deterioration of my being. 

Until I have officially procrastinated myself into a pit of procrastination of procrastinating, and slowly the life is sucked out of me whilst I climb out.

In short, don't procrastinate. It basically leads to death.

xx

My Cat is a Demon

Recently, I had to go on a spontaneous trip to California because my grandfather was having a big surgery. I always have trouble taking trips due to my animals (two birds and a cat) but my friend was gracious enough to care for the birds, and my grandmother (who isn't married to the grandfather previously mentioned) offered to watch my cat. I was gone for about five days (including travel time). In the five days I was gone, my sweet little kitty became Satan's spawn.

Once a cat who enjoyed cuddles and kisses, his new personality was as feral as his big cat ancestors. Biting, spitting, scratching; things he did rarely (and he only ever hissed at strangers, never attacked) became the new norm. I have bruises and bite marks covering my arms from trying to control this newly wild animal.

I thought he could be trying to hide pain or illness, but it's very unlikely because he is the laziest cat I have ever met and follows his human companions like a shadow. If he was hurt it would have been noticed when the injury occurred, and him getting into something bad would have been, too.

Maybe he's mad I left him for so long, but he wasn't alone. Maybe he has a mental disorder (like anxiety problems) that was recently triggered.

But no.

In my mind, the only logical explanation was demonic possession that caused my cat to hate me.

 Why? I want to love you. Love me.

Change of Heart

So, I've been having a change of heart recently.

I love fashion, but I feel lost in the sea of fashion bloggers, like I'm not even on a boat. I don't have a life jacket, I'm desperately trying to cling on to my hopes and dreams.

I've evolved past fashion. Ok, no one does that, but I feel like I can blog about something else, and still enjoy and feel pleased with myself.

Which is a big statement, because I rarely am pleased with myself.

Instead of feeling guilty that I have nothing of the fashion variety to talk about, just because I'm out of the swing of things, I decided that I'm going to pursue one of my favorite hobbies: Cartooning.

So, basically everything is going to change around here, and it's going to be a big one.

I've always loved art, and even when I was younger, I made comic strips with this "family" I created. They were comprised of floating facial features (looking back, they were really creepy.) I used to make little comic strips of the family all the time, until for some reason, I just stopped. I wasn't interested in pursuing cartoons and comics anymore. I moved on to other things, until (about) freshman year of high school, when I took an actual art class (required for graduation). I really enjoyed art, and this class just proved that I was decent at creating it, too, and so, I created paintings and sketches and ink prints, etc.

I do enjoy painting (watercolor to be exact) and I do paint a lot. But recently I've been having trouble communicating my feelings and emotions and basically things that a five year old could (eg: I'm sad, I'm mad, I want, I feel..) I've drawn a few silly cartoons of myself and how I've been feeling that day, or just to vent or show something funny or silly. I genuinely enjoy doing it more than I enjoyed fashion blogging (especially because I've been having (probably) anxiety and (probably) depression issues, and cartoons don't feel like work.)

Fashion blogging felt like a hassle, and when I didn't follow through I felt guilty, which leads to self depreciation, which leads to more guilt and sadness. It's a vicious circle that is extremely difficult to escape.

Drawing these silly little comics is fun, and is something I look forward to, and praise myself for. I know think they're super cute depictions of myself/my animals/whatever.

So, heres to a new (and still more French) year, with comics!

xx